Hello? Is this thing on?

I’m torn…

There’s not much going on here anymore…

Part of me wants to just let it go quietly…

Part of me wants to share the following…

The last time I posted a weigh-in was April 28, 2009. The weight was starting to creep back at that time. Before school started in September 2008, I was able to say I’d lost 130+ lbs, by April FIFTY POUNDS was back.

At that point I was complaining how school was kicking my ass (it was only the third term), I didn’t mention it in the post, but I was also going through the the ‘negotiation’ process of divorce, I was also beginning the process of tweaking my practicum to allow for a more clinical focus.

Since then…

• I graduated on June 13, 2010 with a Master’s Degree
• The divorce was final on June 17, 2009.
• I don’t remember when I ‘officially’ quit WeightWatchers… but I haven’t set foot on a scale in MANY months.
• Judging by the clothes I’m wearing… it isn’t pretty.
• Judging by the way I feel… it’s even uglier. 
• I changed jobs in October 2009. The place I worked didn’t want to be tweaked.

I’ve been delaying it most of the summer, but I need to suck it up and walk back into the WeightWatchers meeting. I’m sure they’ll be nice, but I will be ashamed. I keep telling myself I will just go to a meeting in the town where I work. But arguing, if I go to my old meeting, I’ll be showing that I haven’t completely given up. The April 28th post says I weighed 387 lbs March 2006…

I think I may be beyond that.

I’m aiming toward going to my old meeting group Tuesday night…

I may not post the weight…

Maybe I will…

Is this thing on?

I wish I didn’t have to write this

It’s been over a month since anyone posted here and it’s been since December that I’ve made a post here, and that was a welcome post. The last time I made a substantive post was last JULY! I was feeling pretty depressed and then I re-read that post and it made me feel worse.

There have been a great deal of stressful events in my life, but the one making feel the worst is the feelings of utter failure I get when I think about how much weight I’ve gained back. All the things I was feeling pretty good about are gone. All the progress I made is gone. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and he pointed out the what I already knew… I’ve gained back 100 lbs.

I feel like a weight-loss failure…

• Every time I cinch up my belt or take a deep breath so button my pants.
• When I can’t hold my breath long enough to tie my shoes.
• when I see friends who were amazed that I had lost 134 lbs… and wonder if I disgust them now.
• when I sit in one of those all-in-one desks at school. The same ones I fit into so nicely when I first arrived in the fall of 2008.
• when a co-worker ‘confides’ in me that the state insurance coverage will pay for weight-loss surgery.

I guess the biggest sense of failure I have is actually inquiring about the surgery… and setting up the preliminary appointments. I keep moving them back. So far, I’ve done it twice, and I’ll probably do it at least one more time. I want to get closer to the end of school and get a little more stability with my job. I believe I’ve proven to myself that I cannot do it on willpower alone. I may need to be re-plumbed.

Survey Time!

I posted some months ago about the study I’m doing as a part of my Graduate program in Social Work. It is looking into the factors that make weight loss effective and successful. In the end I hope to show the obesity epidemic does effect social programs.
If you are interested in participating… it is annonymous [...]

Day 2, Feeling Groovy

I likely won’t post every couple of days like this, but I did want to check in with how I’m doing on this second full day.  It might mostly be psychological at this point, but my energy level is on an upswing and I don’t feel like my stomach is getting in the way of [...]