It’s been over a month since anyone posted here and it’s been since December that I’ve made a post here, and that was a welcome post. The last time I made a substantive post was last JULY! I was feeling pretty depressed and then I re-read that post and it made me feel worse.
There have been a great deal of stressful events in my life, but the one making feel the worst is the feelings of utter failure I get when I think about how much weight I’ve gained back. All the things I was feeling pretty good about are gone. All the progress I made is gone. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and he pointed out the what I already knew… I’ve gained back 100 lbs.
I feel like a weight-loss failure…
- Every time I cinch up my belt or take a deep breath so button my pants.
- When I can’t hold my breath long enough to tie my shoes.
- when I see friends who were amazed that I had lost 134 lbs… and wonder if I disgust them now.
- when I sit in one of those all-in-one desks at school. The same ones I fit into so nicely when I first arrived in the fall of 2008.
- when a co-worker ‘confides’ in me that the state insurance coverage will pay for weight-loss surgery.
I guess the biggest sense of failure I have is actually inquiring about the surgery… and setting up the preliminary appointments. I keep moving them back. So far, I’ve done it twice, and I’ll probably do it at least one more time. I want to get closer to the end of school and get a little more stability with my job. I believe I’ve proven to myself that I cannot do it on willpower alone. I may need to be re-plumbed.
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I am SO with you, buddy. Short of contemplating the surgery, I’ve been feeling it as well… I’m back up to 287.3 as of last night’s weigh-in on the Wii… I was down to 260 or so… I’ve been gaining over the last 9 months. Heck, I even feel fat as I sit here typing… I know how you feel. We’ll make it though… I know we will.
I know the feeling John, sorry to hear you are struggling. Thanks for letting us know and keep in touch with what happens. Best of luck.
John,
What a tough place to be in. And I know, because I’ve been there. Know that regardless of what you decide… and how you choose to proceed with making your new reality happen… you have to do so in a way that is going to work for you and speak to the integrity and respect you have for yourself. You’ve had a tough slog… but you persevere, and you’re resilient. And even though you feel like a ‘failure’… try not to feel badly about feeling that way. You feel what you feel… so let it happen. Just know that from the awareness of what you’re feeling will eventually some clarity, some sense of direction, and some sense of meaning that is going to get you back on the path that is so important to you.
Kia kaha my friend!
Stay strong.
Keep moving, it’ll happen. I always recommend the podcast “Inside Out Weightloss” — it’s all mental and emotional, not diet and exercise tips. Most helpful thing I’ve ever come across!!
Thanks Colin… I’ll check it out.