It wasn’t soon after posting my last blog that I began to receive messages from readers telling me not to be so hard on myself, to be proud of what I’ve accomplished, and in once case, to chill the F&%K out. First of all… thanks for the feedback. Secondly, I realize that I am incredibly tough on myself. I’m a Type-A personality with high expectations of others and myself. And over the past two years of course, I’ve been moving full speed through my life, knocking past my goals one by one. Getting to my most recent goal, being 200 pounds for my charity bike ride to Montreal has been VERY slow coming… yes, I’m developing lots of muscle (have you seen my legs lately? LOL!) and my measurements are still going in the right direction. So, I’ve had to shift my thinking quite a bit about what success looks like, and what indicates whether or not I’ve achieved my goals.
That said, while I’ve been spending time in my head shifting my expectations of myself, I’ve also spent a lot of time out on the road shifting gears on my bike. I’m riding in the 2010 Friends for Life Bike Rally — a 6-day, 600km bike ride to raise money for the Toronto People With AIDS Foundation, an incredible organization that provides tremendous support through direct service programs to men, women and children living with HIV/AIDS. My friend Jonathan convinced me to participate in this year’s ride, and since I now live my life in possibility, and trying to do one thing a day that scares the crap out of me, I agreed. Granted, Jonathan is an incredible cyclist, and agreed to run the half-marathon with me in September if I agreed to do this bike ride with him in July. That said, I never knew I would come to enjoy riding outdoors so much.
Read more at: http://tinyurl.com/2cknb2u
A couple weeks ago I was hoping to see 195, but today I weighted in at 193.6, six pounds down in 23 days. My thoughts:
- I’m feeling tempted to spend money on fitness stuff, which is strange, because I’m doing ok as I am (heart rate monitor watch (what for?), personal trainer, gym membership)
- I’m starting to think about not just getting out of bad shape but into good shape. I have no history with being in good shape. I don’t know how to get there or if I want to. What would it be like to actually develop some strength and look better than just “not fat”? Is it worth the time to me? Is “I want to look good with my shirt off” really a strong motivation?I honestly have mixed feelings.
Six days ago, I was hoping to see 197 within a few weeks, but I saw it today! I know I only *saw* it. It’ll take a while longer before I’m reliably 197, but seeing new numbers as my low-fluctuation is still an indication of progress. So, awesome: *saw* it ahead of schedule, and now maybe in the 1-2 more weeks I thought it’d take, I’ll BE 197 and SEE 195.
Did the fastest, longest walk/run so far on my treadmill today — pushed myself. I want that number to stick around or come back as soon as possible.
In the past four months, I will admit that I’ve been neglecting my blog a bit. Well, quite a bit. I haven’t been taking the time to think, to write, and to reflect as much on this journey because.. well, I think subconsciously, part of me thought the journey had come to a bit of an end. As you recall, in early December, I shattered my weight loss goal and dropped a phenomenal 201.6 pounds ahead of schedule. The elation, the satisfaction, and the pride were all happening at a magnitude that I have never before experienced.
And so was the feeling of relief.
Let me tell you what I mean…
For the weeks that followed that December 2 night, I gave myself permission to relax a little bit. I eased up on my exercise routine. I cheated on my food a little bit more than I had in the two years prior. I gave myself the space to live life a little bit more freely than I had before, and in some ways, I was subconsciously ‘testing’ the idea of what my new ‘normal’ in life would be like. I was testing whether or not I could trust myself to live my life in a little bit less of a regimented way, and in many ways, I was testing just how slippery the slope back into an unhealthy lifestyle would be.
I learned that my slope wasn’t very slippery at all. It’s got lots of traction. The past two years have given me tremendous traction in the form of good eating, exercise and mindfulness practices that have helped me not only to be successful, but more importantly, to truly transform my way of being in the world. And it felt fantastic to know that I had not only the knowledge, but also the willpower to know what it takes to ‘never go back’.
But what’s been interesting, is that over the months that have followed, in spite of not going back, I don’t necessarily feel like I’ve moved very far forward.
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I’ve had ups and downs for the last couple years, but am in a really motivated phase right now. Just posting to share that. Doing treadmill once a day, putting in intervals of running to burn about 550kCal/hr, am eating right (and not much), and am thinking about going to 2x a day on the treadmill and even going back to martial arts once I’m back in any kind of cardio shape. Next session I’ll try doubling the length of the running intervals, or maybe even speeding them up (ouch).
As far as I can tell I’m at a plateau at 200 lbs, but I’m thinking I just haven’t been focused enough for a couple weeks at a stretch. Another few weeks of this and I can just see the 198 or 197 on the scale. I think it’s a good sign that I’m starting to listen to metal on the treadmill again — might have to buy some music!
Hope this finds fatbloggers well. Will check in again when there’s something to report.
Fellow FatBlogger Chris was in the motivational spotlight over on X-Weighted yesterday (4/15). Click over there and read the article. To give you a taste, the quote that really hit home for me…
“I knew enough from what I’d been through over the years to know it was a fairly simple equation: Eat right, move your butt and it will happen. But of course that equation is a lot harder to put into practice than it is to articulate,” says McGrath.”
And you can find Chris’ personal blog at The Second Coming of Chris.
This is not an uncommon thing for me to hear these days… and it’s something I’ve been thinking about for the past two months or so. That’s partially why I haven’t posted anything in that time. But I’ve also been terribly busy. I finally wrote my comprehensive exam for my PhD, and have been spending time trying to get a sense of what ‘normal’ feels like. My mind has been racing with so many things — and I’ve often wanted to turn to the computer to put my thoughts into words. But it has taken me a while to do so… my apologies for taking so long!
That said, the whole idea of ‘feeling different’ has been on my mind for a long time — not only because I am reconciling what it’s like to be in a new body, but also because the comment “You must feel soooo different” is the most common thing people tell me these days. Over the past two years of my transformation, people tend to tell me 1) how great I look and 2) ask me how different I feel.
My response to both comments tend to be: 1) “Thanks very much, it’s been a fantastic experience.” and 2) “Yes, I feel great.”
But to be honest, I’m not sure if I feel ‘great’. I know I ‘feel’. But I’m not sure how that feels any different that how I felt as a 435-pound man.
Because two years ago, I’m not so sure I actually ‘felt’.
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It’s been over a month since anyone posted here and it’s been since December that I’ve made a post here, and that was a welcome post. The last time I made a substantive post was last JULY! I was feeling pretty depressed and then I re-read that post and it made me feel worse.
There have been a great deal of stressful events in my life, but the one making feel the worst is the feelings of utter failure I get when I think about how much weight I’ve gained back. All the things I was feeling pretty good about are gone. All the progress I made is gone. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and he pointed out the what I already knew… I’ve gained back 100 lbs.
I feel like a weight-loss failure…
- Every time I cinch up my belt or take a deep breath so button my pants.
- When I can’t hold my breath long enough to tie my shoes.
- when I see friends who were amazed that I had lost 134 lbs… and wonder if I disgust them now.
- when I sit in one of those all-in-one desks at school. The same ones I fit into so nicely when I first arrived in the fall of 2008.
- when a co-worker ‘confides’ in me that the state insurance coverage will pay for weight-loss surgery.
I guess the biggest sense of failure I have is actually inquiring about the surgery… and setting up the preliminary appointments. I keep moving them back. So far, I’ve done it twice, and I’ll probably do it at least one more time. I want to get closer to the end of school and get a little more stability with my job. I believe I’ve proven to myself that I cannot do it on willpower alone. I may need to be re-plumbed.
So, I realize that I’ve not blogged for a little while… it has been a few weeks at least, and admittedly, there’s a part of me that wants to only write when I feel like I have something important to say. And since my last post, I’ve accomplished one of my goals for 2010.
I am now a certified indoor cycling instructor.
Very cool. As you know, I took up indoor cycling (spinning) last fall, and found very quickly that it helped to push me through a plateau in my weight loss journey, and catalyzed a motivation in me that propelled me to my goal of dropping 200 pounds before Christmas. The experience of indoor cycling has taken me out of the gym in many ways — it has helped me move from feeling like my fitness experience is a solitary journey into one that includes being a member of a community. My fellow participants at Legacy Indoor Cycling in Toronto are motivating, inspiring, and fun to be around — and the teachers there who have helped me accomplish my goals compelled me to take the certification course and head down the path of sharing my enthusiasm for this fitness activity with others.
So last weekend, I spent 10 1/2 hours at the Legacy Studio, under the tutelage of James Gekko (a Master Trainer with Schwinn) and the watchful eye of Andy (Legacy’s patriarch), and soaked up what I needed to learn to become certified. I learned a lot about technique. I learned about how to structure a meaningful class for participants. I also learned that becoming an instructor presents me with an opportunity to do something that I think is going to be an important part of my journey from here on in: now is my time to really pay it forward.
Read the rest at: http://tinyurl.com/ykvghyv
For those of you who have been following along on my weight loss blog you know that I have been experimenting with a new technique this past week – taking pictures of everything that I eat. It hasn’t been easy and honestly I have missed a few things, but all in all I’ve been happy enough with the results that I think I will try to continue with this and make it a habit. Although I’d like to see more readers rating my meals, it’s simple to do!
Here is a quick summary of my week in meals:
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Didn’t get off to a great start by losing the picture of breakfast, but I ate well this day in my opinion – no meat at all, something none of my commenters mentioned! |
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I just realized it, but almost no meat again this day – just some sausage in the soup. Loving that fresh pineapple! |
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First day at work on the plan and you can tell because there is some fast food – but I chose a healthy Subway sandwich done as plainly as possible. Not bad. |
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I only ate a little more than 1,000 calories on Tuesday because I was SO busy at work. More fast food, but I tried to make it a healthy chicken sandwich. |
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Two visits to fast food for lunch and dinner and the ratings from readers reflecting it – only 3 stars out of 10, the poorest of the week. Still, I think I made healthy choices. |
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Readers looking for more veggies in my diet liked that I ate a salad bar meal for lunch that consisted mostly of leafy greens. |
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Finished up the last of the pineapple, missed taking a picture of lunch because I was interviewing a candidate and running out to the car for my camera phone ould have been too weird! |
Here are a few of my early observations about the process:
- I am using a G1 phone which works great for this – camera quality is decent and after taking the picture it’s really easy to post on Twitter and send a copy to my email so I can get the picture on my computer. I’m sure most of today’s smart phones would do this equally well of course.
- One of the benefits for weight loss that I think this will offer is that it is really forcing me to try to compose a plate full of food, which means I need to think in advance what I will be eating and what the portion sizes would be. I’ll often resort to grazing, which is not only bad for taking photos but of course supremely bad for dieting.
- The feedback that I have been getting is great and adds to the interest of taking the photos. Although it is getting a little old when most of the comments are “Eat more veggies!”
I’ve tried to record what I ate before and was never successful doing it. Taking pictures has enabled me to actually do it for a week, which leads me to believe this is something I could do for awhile.
Hopefully by taking this approach I will be eating less, making better food decisions and ultimately lose weight.
Like the idea? Give it a try and let us know your results!
